This is an email that I've chosen to critique (please take note that this is the exact format in which the email was sent):
Date: Mon, 17 Nov 2008 10:08 PM
From: zzz@hotmail.com
Subject: back of YF camp shirt draft
sorry, upon closer look i think that the initial design is fine. sorry for all the trouble.as of today, the sizes in are
XXL1,XL2,L6,M15,S14,XS1
XXL1,XL2,L6,M15,S14,XS1
ZZZ
Before I begin, I'd like to explain the context of the email. This email was sent by zzz (the camp commandant) to www (the camp shirt designer), xxx (the camp mentor), yyy (another camp mentor) and I ( the assistant camp commandant). This is one of the many emails he has sent that clearly violate the 7Cs of writing and the 'rules' of business correspondance. Clearly, my displeasure towards him is quite evident because of the drafting and re-drafting of the camp shirt design he made us carry out, only to send us the very email above, choosing the first design we ever gave. In addition, he takes ages to reply to an email. I believe a very formal email of apology is due, but what I see above is definitely not it.
First and foremost, his language and format to begin with is mostly wrong. With no capital letters, incorrect or missing punctuations, no address and salutation and no table to organise the 'data' he provided.
The first 'C' of the 7Cs of writing is COURTESY, which is obviously missing in this email. The email does not require the employment of titles since it is a rather informal one, still, I believe a "Dear so-and-so" listing all concerned parties would be the right way to address this email, or even a "Dear all" would have sufficed. Without a salutation, the email seems incomplete, rushed and insincere, though there are many other things to imply the above.
Under Correctness, there is a lack of sentence structure, proper punctuation, capital letters and organisation of data. If there were complete sentences (including the correct punctuation and capital letters), I believe this email would have been accepted as an apology because it would seem he actually thought through and processed his apology.
Conciseness, the third 'C', would be a job well done in this email. He was very concise in what he wanted to say, but it seems like he was a little TOO concise. An explanation accompanying the apology would have been appropriate since there was much effort wasted by the concerned parties.
ZZZ did not really have a problem with clarity as well since he was clear with what he wanted to tell us. However there are improvements that could be made especially with the data provided so that it would be easier for the email recipients to process.
Coherence is not a problem here since there isn't much ideas to begin with to link. There is, however, a lack of cohesion. There is no use of connectors to link the sentences. It would seem like the use of connectors would be redundant in the original email because of the length of it, but I believe with proper improvements, the usage of connectors could do wonders for this email.
Concreteness is a job well done in this email since there is no need for evidence to support a certain idea.
Completeness is definitely not in this email as all components (format and language) of the email lack this very 'C'.
Overall, I would not accept his apology in this email because it lacks earnesty shown in the slipshod way which it is written. What i would suggest to ZZZ is to find a way to get enrolled in NUS and take ES2007S as his core module. :)
Before I begin, I'd like to explain the context of the email. This email was sent by zzz (the camp commandant) to www (the camp shirt designer), xxx (the camp mentor), yyy (another camp mentor) and I ( the assistant camp commandant). This is one of the many emails he has sent that clearly violate the 7Cs of writing and the 'rules' of business correspondance. Clearly, my displeasure towards him is quite evident because of the drafting and re-drafting of the camp shirt design he made us carry out, only to send us the very email above, choosing the first design we ever gave. In addition, he takes ages to reply to an email. I believe a very formal email of apology is due, but what I see above is definitely not it.
First and foremost, his language and format to begin with is mostly wrong. With no capital letters, incorrect or missing punctuations, no address and salutation and no table to organise the 'data' he provided.
The first 'C' of the 7Cs of writing is COURTESY, which is obviously missing in this email. The email does not require the employment of titles since it is a rather informal one, still, I believe a "Dear so-and-so" listing all concerned parties would be the right way to address this email, or even a "Dear all" would have sufficed. Without a salutation, the email seems incomplete, rushed and insincere, though there are many other things to imply the above.
Under Correctness, there is a lack of sentence structure, proper punctuation, capital letters and organisation of data. If there were complete sentences (including the correct punctuation and capital letters), I believe this email would have been accepted as an apology because it would seem he actually thought through and processed his apology.
Conciseness, the third 'C', would be a job well done in this email. He was very concise in what he wanted to say, but it seems like he was a little TOO concise. An explanation accompanying the apology would have been appropriate since there was much effort wasted by the concerned parties.
ZZZ did not really have a problem with clarity as well since he was clear with what he wanted to tell us. However there are improvements that could be made especially with the data provided so that it would be easier for the email recipients to process.
Coherence is not a problem here since there isn't much ideas to begin with to link. There is, however, a lack of cohesion. There is no use of connectors to link the sentences. It would seem like the use of connectors would be redundant in the original email because of the length of it, but I believe with proper improvements, the usage of connectors could do wonders for this email.
Concreteness is a job well done in this email since there is no need for evidence to support a certain idea.
Completeness is definitely not in this email as all components (format and language) of the email lack this very 'C'.
Overall, I would not accept his apology in this email because it lacks earnesty shown in the slipshod way which it is written. What i would suggest to ZZZ is to find a way to get enrolled in NUS and take ES2007S as his core module. :)
hi sarah
ReplyDeleteYou have done a brilliant job in analysing this letter in terms of the 7Cs' we learnt in class. What more can i say? I guess this type of correspondence is the rudest, and i totally understand why did you choose NOT to accept his apology.
SW
hi shiwei :)
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with you on the rude part. I do not understand why someone would even send a rude apology email. He might as well not send anything since he's doubling his 'sin' by doing so. It is like 'Erika and Paul' all over again. *laughs*
snll
Hi Sarah,
ReplyDeleteWow. Great job with the analysis. You certainly did a great job "dissecting" the email using the 7Cs as a guide. I just want to add one thing that ZZZ failed to include a suitable close at the end of the email too. The absence of a close such as "Regards" coupled with the absence of a salutation is just disrespectful to the reader. I don't think I have anymore to add to your fine and detailed post other than that. :)
ws
P.S. maybe Brad or one of us can give ZZZ private tuition on ES2007S? We can earn a tidy sum while knocking some sense and manners into ZZZ then. :)
Hi Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI can understand your exasperation and I would definitely think a hundred times before teaming up with him again.
For such a short email, you have done an exceedingly well critique!
Once again, this post highlights the importance of not forgetting our P's and Q's. While choosing emails for convenience, it definitely demands the writer to become more competent in delivering the appropriate dose of sincerity when writing. ZZZ ought to practise his written communication skills. :)
evelia
Great effort here, Sarah! I really appreciate the way that you've analyzed the letter within the framework of the 7Cs. Very apt! I can also understand well your frustration with the sender.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, here's one grammar issue to take note of. In the paragraph on coherence, you write: "there isn't much ideas...."
Do you see the problem with that?
Thanks for your hard work!
Hi Wee Siong,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your generous compliment on my post! Yes, I agree that if we were to give him tuition, we would earn a tidy amount. I got a good laugh out of that! :)
Hi Evelia,
I believe its the first time you've commented on my post right? Thanks for the praise. It is a very short email, and that's precisely why I am able to pick on it so much. There are so many things missing!! :)
Hi Brad,
Looking at that sentence again, I definitely agree there's something wrong with it. I believe there's too much of the "spoken english" in this phrase, the very problem you spoke about the other day in class. I'll absolutely take that reminder to heart.
Thanks to all,
Ng Li Lin Sarah
Hey Sarah!
ReplyDeleteWhat a direct critique! Anyone who reads this email can tell that it is curt and insincere, but after reading yr analysis, it really makes one feel like kicking that guy who wrote it! I must say that the way you dissected the email has totally exhausted all of its shortcomings that there is nothing one could possibly add. I like the way you went straight to the point and plunged the knife in for every ‘C’ but I sure hope the poor guy will never get to read this! :D
However, there are some sentences that I thought could be improved on such as the following:
“Clearly, my displeasure towards him is quite evident because of the drafting and re-drafting of the camp shirt design he made us carry out, only to send us the very email above, choosing the first design we ever gave.”
I feel that in this sentence itself, “clearly” and “evident” bring across the same message that your displeasure is obvious. So perhaps you could either use “Clearly, I am displeased with him for making us…” or simply leave out the first word and start with “My displeasure towards him is quite evident because…” Also, I think that the last part that reads “choosing the first design we ever gave” sounds a little weird. Perhaps “choosing the very first design that we submitted” would be better? Just a suggestion! (:
Overall, I think that the critique was very thorough and concise, going straight to the point instead of beating around the bush. Well done babe! (:
Cheers!
Wan Yu